|
Gary,
I live with and am the primary
caregiver for my 90 yr old mother. I do it all with
very little help from the family. VERY LITTLE. My
brother lives 500 miles away and we are lucky if we
see him once a year. My family has said that I have
a FREE ride. This has ripped my heart out. Will
they ever see that I do not have a “free” ride?
D.H.
I have
found it easier to remember my own worth and value
as a member of my family, community, stroke support
group, etc. by attending for many years a church
that emphasizes the Bible passages that say
something to the affect that all God's children have
value and are worthy of love from God. God doesn't
make junk the kids at church love to say. Perhaps
this woman's husband would allow her to go to church
for a women's Bible study each week, especially if
the church women give him a helping hand with
caregiving chores. There she would find such
support and be able to vent a little. She would
also start seeing what value she has to other people
by helping people do what she can do yet and they
may not be able to do. When you help others, you
help yourself get over a feeling of worthlessness
that causes depression and that some caregivers want
you to feel because they feel so overburdened by
caregiving. It really comes from their sense of
entitlement to do things the way they were used to
doing before, lack of control and selfishness.
Care recipients should be aware that many caregivers
suffer from depression just as much as care
recipients do, if not more.
Such caregivers can become
abusive also in this mode. The care recipient should
memorize the telephone number of the Abuse Hotline
in her area as well as the police. She should be
encouraged to make those calls, despite they may
embarass her caregiver, so the caregiver sees the
reaction of others besides his care recipient to his
ways and his greater feelings of the need for
control or for punishing his care recipient. Only
then will he feel from embarassment a need to change
his style. And only then will the local social
services step in to assist. Social services can't
step in if no one reports the abuse or asks for
services. Perhaps fellow church goers can clue this
couple in on what kinds of social services are
available in their community and how to access
them. You'd be surprised what Medicare will cover
in order to keep the care recipient and also the
caregivers out of a nursing home where they lose
control of their money, must spend down all their
assets, and then become dependent on local tax
dollars under Medicaid. A choice no one wants to
make.
Reports can be made anonymously
by the neighbors, church friends, other family
members, etc. In fact if anyone sees such abuse
going on, they should be reporting it. If not, they
are to blame for the care recipient's abuse and
possible death in some cases. If the care recipient
is elderly, there are more strict laws and greater
penalties for yelling at, starving, neglecting or
abusing the elderly. Most elderly abuse reported
is abuse by caregivers, whether family members or
hired help. But really the support group and
church help should be joined before things progress
that far. Hopefully the caregiver could also find
support and a helping hand at the church to take the
pressure off from caregiving. If not, then the
call should go out to social services before things
get that much more out of control. It has been said
that caregiving always has at least two victims, the
patient and the caregiver and sometimes their other
family members too.
Best wishes and many prayers for
that care recipient. Sincerely yours,
....S.W.
Not all
people in need of help from a caregiver are
completely incapacitated. It was important for me to
remember when caring for my husband that I was not
his boss, only his caregiver, friend and wife, and
that as such we were partners. When I overstepped my
bounds, he let me know it – even, to my chagrin,
once telling me that I made it harder for him to get
better. That was not an easy thing to hear.
We caregivers think we know
what’s best for the people in our care, but
sometimes the truth is it sometimes is a disguise
for what we think will make a difficult situation
easier. But easier for whom?
Caregivers, whether family or
professionals, must remember to treat the person in
their care with respect, and the person receiving
care must ask for that respect and seek care where
they need it. Being able to appropriately articulate
what you need and why is crucial.
S.B.
I sort of understand
where he might be coming from - in caring for my mom
I thought if I could just be there all the time and
control every bite of food she ate and everything
she did or wanted to do I could ensure her safety
(she is prone to falling and with osteoporosis, it
seems bones break every time). The stress was
incredible as I work full time.
Mentally/psychologically I was convinced that if I
was there and controlled her environment and
activities, nothing bad would happen. However, I
have come to realize that even if I was there 100%
of the time she could just as easily fall when I was
in another room, or in the bathroom, or asleep. She
has now compromised and is using her walker most of
the time (about 98%) and I try to not hover and
lecture all the time.
It was just shear selfishness on
my part and some misguided sense of what I could
prevent simply by my presence. I now realize that I
cannot put her in a bubble to protect her from
everything or then she has no life at all and I am
constantly stressed. While I still succumb
periodically to guilt for not being with her 100% of
the time, she now feels like she has some of her
life back and I am on my way to realizing that as
much as I would like to think I can prevent the
inevitable, I cannot, and when accidents happen or
when her time comes (she is 81 and has at various
times had 2 bouts with cancer, broken hip, broken
arms ...) I will have to deal with events as they
occur.
The lady's husband may have the
same feelings and think that if he can just shelter
her from everything (activities which he thinks are
risky such as the gym) she will be
"safe". However, as I eventually realized, he
cannot. In addition, while he is "protecting her",
she has no life and is succumbing to depression. I
wish the best for both of them.
L.K.
I would
find out what payoff the husband is getting by
"keeping his wife depressed" (in other words, not
helping her, when he could easily do so).
Change is scary -- and
difficult. He is used to his wife being depressed,
and it is easier to control her (which it also
sounds like he is doing) if she is at home,
just taking medicine.
The best (proven) treatment for
depression is a combination of meds AND talk
therapy. And perhaps... like a family member dealing
with an alcoholic can find AlAnon useful... he needs
some talk therapy to help him relate to a wife that
is NOT depressed!
K.L.
|
