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My mother was diagnosed with dementia and paranoia.
My father is 81 years old and in fair health. He wants
to correct my mother when she says something incorrect
and he has to be right about everything. My mother
accuses him of stealing from her. My dad calls and
complains because he is tired of being called a thief. I
tell him to just let it go, but he won’t. I sometimes
feel he doesn't want to take full responsibility for my
mother’s care, and tries to make me feel guilty because
I'm not there all the time. Does anyone have any advice
for this? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
D.
From Russ in MT
You may consider hiring a
professional personal caregiver to come in periodically as it sounds
like your dad is already struggling with managing her disease from an
emotional point of view. Your dad may be overwhelmed and a professional
caregiver also can give him, and you, some respite and an opportunity to
get away for a couple of hours to regain perspective. Perhaps you and
your dad can use the time to go for a drive in the country, go out to
lunch, or attend a local support group together to help cope. Watching
how a professional responds to your mom may also give you both some
pointers to use. Hope my "two cents" will help and please take care.
From Chris in OH
Many times, it is difficult
for a spouse to accept the changes going on with their spouse.
Communications change and unless they understand the reasons for the
break down, it will be hard to handle. My suggestion is to learn not to
say things that challenge the person. Keep questions simple, like “Do
you want to wear this outfit or the other one?” not “What do you want to
wear?” This is too open-ended. Work with your father to see if he can
make these changes. If not, then bring other caregivers into the
situation.
From Shelby in FL
D., I
understand completely as my mother is going through the same thing. When
she accuses me of stealing, I have to remind myself that she is not
feeling well and not to take it personally. Instead, I reply that it
must be someplace in the house, that I will help her find it, and I take
action to do so. The issue is not so much that they think someone is
stealing as they have misplaced it. It is hard for them to accept that
they have lost control of things in their environment and would really
like to have the item they are looking for. Humor really helps, also.
When my mother accuses me of taking something because she cannot find
it, I reply, "The dog has buried it again because he wants to play hide
and seek; let’s find where he put it," or something like that. Good
luck!
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