With the holidays right around the corner it is important that caregivers who plan on traveling follow a few important steps to ensure a safe and happy trip for all involved. This article should help... Continued

Much has already been said to Caregivers about the guilt they hold in wanting to abandon  the person they choose or are forced to take care of. And who has the audacity to tell them they have no right to be angry because their own plans and goals are, out of necessity, put on hold?

Many caregivers see their lives slipping away as they continue to give and give and give. They  may feel  life is without meaning, that they are leading a worthless existence, that they are powerless, ashamed for feeling the feelings and then  reproach themselves for being insensitive and selfish. The confused and negative feelings seem without end.

As a therapist for over 30 years working with  grief, panic disorder, trauma, EMDR,  it is imperative when beginning the support and healing process, to know the early history of the caregiver. "Why is that and who cares?" one might ask. And one  answer is that the past holds the mystery of our attitudes, feelings, beliefs, opinions of the present as well as of our future.The past holds a memory network where trauma is stored and once stimulated, safety can be created and the present situation viewed in an entirely different way. While it may not change the present caregiving situation , the caregiver is able to view it from another perspective.  Here is an example.

As a child, K, now aged 55 and caring for her mother who is bedridden, was psychologically abused by her mother. She was criticized daily, received no affection, was ignored unless she was being told what to do. She grew up being docile, obedient, hoping for compliments and hugs, always trying harder and harder to be perfect and to be recognized. Many of these early memories were stored in her unconscious brain, and she never saw the connection between her present personality and those early needs. Now K, the only daughter, is mother's caregiver. Now she feels there is no escape, and she still wants to please her mother and "do the right thing".

Until K is able to process those early experiences and relate them to her present situation , she is entrapped in her past.   While her situation may not dramatically change for a while because of her mother's situation, K can begin to  mother herself more and to see other options that will relieve her role as sole caregiver. K can give more to herself without feeling selfish and guilty.

What ideas do you, the reader, have for K?   

Answer This Week's CareNote

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