Sometimes we can look to our past to learn how to find the balance we seek in our present lives. Our memories should be treasured and also viewed as shaping and touching our lives today.

Mimi was my great-grandmother. She lived with my family until I was in the third grade. Mimi would get me off the bus from kindergarten and prepare my lunch for me. She would sit with me in the big corner chair and watch the Walton's and Lawrence Welk. We shared things that were special for just the two us. I have never asked my siblings if they had special times with Mimi. I guess I don’t want to let go of the illusion that I was the most special.

Mimi and I shared a love for butterscotch. Every November for her birthday I would give her a big bag of the hard candy. I have no idea what my siblings may have given her. It didn’t matter what others gave her; the candy was of course the best gift she ever received. Mimi and I shared the same birthstone and I still have the citrine ring she gave me that had been hers as a child. That was perhaps the most precious of her tangible gifts.

The intangible gifts are what brought me to my present life in elder care. Spending hours playing cards (crazy eights was Mimi's specialty) made me feel special, and helped me appreciate the bonds that exist in multi-generational families. Holding and patting her soft hands (soft due to a religious-like regimen with Vaseline), made me realize that elders need that touch, and companionship. Seeing the smile on Mimi's face as I popped out of her closet to “surprise” her for the fiftieth time that day helped me to learn that elders still experience the joy of family life. Of course, I can see these gifts upon reflection as an adult. I may not have had the maturity at age eight to understand these gifts, but I do recall declaring that I was going to work in a nursing home when I grew up. Somehow, those gifts had made their impression in my brain before I knew and understood them.

Mimi did eventually go into a nursing home and shortly thereafter I became a much more self-centered teenager. I think now of how many times I drove my car to the mall, marveling at my new found independence. Never once did I stop by the nursing home on my own to see Mimi, which was just a few miles from that mall. Upon reflection, that too is a lesson that I have learned. It is so easy to get caught up in our own lives and ignore the larger world around us.

Thinking of others on a daily basis is rewarding in a way that only those who live it can understand. Caregivers know this well. Providing for another person’s needs lifts your spirit and elevates your life. However, it can also swallow you whole. How do you find the balance? Is it the lesson from the child who could never have enough time with Mimi? Or is the lesson from the teenager who never had enough time for Mimi? Is this the lesson we are still learning into adulthood? How do we balance our needs with the needs of those around us? Some of these questions are too hard to answer in a sentence or even a paragraph. Maybe it is okay that we don’t know the answer as long as we are searching. Finding the balance is truly an art form.

For caregivers to find this balance, they need to recognize when they are feeling stress. Experiencing stress symptoms is a body’s way of informing us that we are not in balance. Some of the signs of stress are: tearfulness, having a short temper, exhaustion, weight gain or weight loss, inability to recover from illness, continually feeling guilty. Identifying that you are experiencing a stress response is the first step in finding the balance.

Once you know you are experiencing stress, you have to look at the source. Sometimes you can change it; sometimes you cannot. For caregivers, often the only thing you can control is your response, your attitude. When in this situation, take a look at your stressors. Maybe you cannot keep your mother’s Alzheimer’s disease from progressing further. But what can you change? You can alter the environment to make it more comfortable and suitable for a person with this brain disease. You can make a daily effort to experience laughter, even if you have to buy a joke book and read it to yourself. You can make an effort to get respite help either formally through an agency or informally through family and friends. You can find out the options for on-line support, email and telephone support as well as  local caregiver support group meetings. You can look at a picture of your mother from when you were growing up to remind yourself of the loving looks, the caring touch you may not be receiving now. You can contact your area agency on aging to learn what your local family caregiver support program offers.

Deciding what you can do will help caregivers find their balance. Managing life’s circumstances is always hard. When you add other’s needs into the mix, it becomes a daily challenge. Look to lessons learned from your past and those that have touched your life. Be proactive, recognize your own symptoms, and remind yourself that you have needs as well. When all else fails, have a butterscotch candy and play crazy eights; that always works for me.

Sheryl Leary is a Family Caregiver Specialist with HESSCO Elder Services’ Family Caregiver Support Program. She meets with caregivers individually or in groups to help connect them with the resources and support they need. Sheryl has also spent several years in the direct sales industry attending numerous sales seminars and trainings.

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