As an RN, I have counseled many
individuals and families on the various emotions that erupt in
your interactions with your families and what those relationships
evoke within us. I worked in Mental Health and as a professional
nurse had many answers for people walking a difficult road of not
only dealing with sometimes the strain of those close relationships,
but also being placed in a caregiving role. But not until I moved
back to Washington from Georgia in 2001, when my own mother was
diagnosed with bladder cancer and was forced to deal with emotions
long thought to be buried and put away, did I really find on a
personal note how difficult this can be to find that these emotions
are still there, the buttons can still be pushed, and yet they must
be dealt with to enable yourself to be the loving caregiver that is
so desperately necessary. My mother passed away after her long and
courageous journey on October 14, 2005, but I am so thankful for the
opportunity to walk that walk with her. It gave so much needed
healing for myself, my mother and my sister and gave me a
perspective that I would have never gained without taking on this
challenge. It has made me a better nurse, woman, parent, friend, and
counselor, and changed my perspective forever on the importance of
having support.
During this journey I found that
those same buttons that our loved ones often know to push were still
there. Yet now with her fragile state it was necessary for me to
find a way to deal with this in a way that would allow me to provide
the love and necessary care to a mother who, for most of my life,
found it difficult to love me in a way that was positive. And boy
did I find at times that I failed miserably, and would go home
feeling like “I just can’t do this.” But with the support of many
who would encourage me and give me rest and my own relationship with
God, I was able to do it. As the journey came to an end, my mother
and I shared some very special and endearing moments that will be
held in my heart all the days of my life. She made it her goal
in those last months to make up for years of neglect in showing her
love for her daughters in every possible way before she left
to go home.
But it was one of the most
difficult journeys I have ever walked. During that time I found it
essential that I be honest with myself, and with my mother in a
loving way, but to draw boundaries in such a way to ensure that she
would receive the best of my care, all the while caring for myself.
After she was gone, I went
through times of wishing I had done this, or said that, but
ultimately I know that I gave every bit of effort and love I had to
give to enable her journey and death to be the best it could
possibly be. There are no recriminations or guilt or sorrow. But one
thing I learned through this that my nursing did not prepare me for
is that when you take this journey, you need support of those around
you; also you need to take care of yourself and not feel guilty for
doing so. You get up each day and say I will do my best and lay down
each night and sleep peacefully knowing you have done just that.
Whether your loved one sees, knows or appreciates what you do,
remember it is only you and your assessment that really matters. As
long as you know you have done your best, you have nothing to feel
guilty about.
My journey with my mother was a
myriad of emotions including laughter, sorrow, fun, agony, pain,
anger and love. In the end, the thing that stood out above all the
others was the love; love for my mother and a new love and respect
for myself knowing that I accepted the challenge, gave it my best
and provided the essentials of the support and care my mother needed
in those last months. In the end that is what really matters. So as
you take this journey, keep in mind you can only give what you have
to give and if you do not first give yourself permission to take
care of you, then you will soon give out.
Rose Raintree, is a registered Nurse and BSN student at the
University of Phoenix. She was also a family caregiver who told us,
“I traveled a difficult but very rewarding journey to care for my
mother with terminal cancer.”
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