Being a long distance caregiver has a unique set of problems. I have
been on both sides of the coin, and know that the emotional drain of being
too far from our loved one to be of direct help, can be devastating. How
can one describe the fear that envelops you when the phone rings? Or the
shrill of the bell, that you know and wait to come, which tells of yet
another crisis with your loved one? It is something you learn to live with
every day. However, you never are ready for that call. I understand
because I have been there. I have been both long distance, and now full
time primary caregiver. We all feel the same emotions; guilt, anger,
frustration, and isolation. It is just that they differ as our individual
caregiver roles differ.
As long distance caregiver, I had to struggle with my guilt of not
being there all the time. Or not being able to ensure that proper care was
provided on a regular basis. And while I learned to deal with these
issues, I think I was never really was comfortable with it. Many times I
felt isolated in that I would learn of a change after the fact, and
usually after I could have been of any help. That leads to a sense of
being a fragmented part of the family. And eventually, it is easy to see
how that family member might not offer any advice or help at all. Or if
they do offer it, often it is not very practical in the eyes of the
primary caregiver because "you aren't here, how do you know what mom
or dad or granny need?" And, in time this fragmentation can and often
does lead to anger, with siblings, which is the last thing that should
happen. This is a time when families need to bond closer together and
share both the good as well as bad.
Now, as primary caregiver, I have had to face just that same thing. I
have had to look at my siblings and understand that while they can't be
here, it does not diminish the concern they may have for our father. In
this light, I would like to mention a few things that all family members
can do for each other to help ensure that proper care is provided to their
loved one. As long distance caregiver, you have an opportunity to offer a
much-needed respite to your sibling. It may be difficult, but arrange for
regular visits so that the primary caregiver has a break. There is a law
now, which allows you to be able to get time off work. It is called the
Family Friendly Leave Act, and was signed into law by President Clinton. A
week or two several times a year will be a wonderful gift to your sibling,
and allow you to be an active member of the "Care Team".
The primary caregiver has an obligation as well. We need to keep lines
of communication open with those family members away from home. Offer
regular updates on our loved ones condition and include them as much as
possible in the decision making process. Remembering we do not have to
carry the whole load and letting other family know their input is needed
is essential. And, it will go a long why to reducing the fear of a
telephone call late in the night.
Catherine Murphy, R.N., has been caregiver to
both parents. She can be contacted at katesdrm@att.net or visit her web
site at http://home.att.net/~katesdrm/
Subscribe
to our weekly e-newsletter
