Today more and more American
families are involved in the care of their loved ones.
Often that creates a change in family dynamics,
routines, reassigning roles, economic hardships and
demands on adult time and emotional stress for all
family members involved. The changes taking place can be
threatening for children. Change creates loss and loss
creates grief. A grieving child needs our reassurance
that he/she will be cared for and is loved.
It is extremely important to
listen to your child verbalize their fears, anger,
confusion and doubts. We should explain that grief and
the feelings it evokes are natural responses to loss. We
must encourage our children to let their sadness out by
sharing their thoughts, feelings and memories with
trusted listeners. We can be a trusted listener by
encouraging them to express themselves by drawing,
writing and sharing their feelings and thoughts through
the process of keeping a journal. Long-term illness
impacts family life, especially if your loved one is
being cared for at home. Illness can be sudden or it may
creep into our loved one’s life in stages as in
Alzheimer’s disease. Our loved one may be dealing with
the loss of their health, independence and in some
cases, ultimately the loss of life. The family will be
dealing with these losses as well. The changes
associated with the disease are threatening for our
loved one, our children and ourselves. Our children need
our love and support to help them cope with the grief
associated with change and loss. It is important to take
the time to discuss the disease with children so they
can understand what is happening to their loved one.
Children and teens may
experience a wide range of emotions. All too often, many
caregivers are too overwhelmed by their own shock,
sadness and grief to notice their children are grieving
too. For children, as adults, there is no magic wand in
overcoming grief. It is a process and it is as
individual as the people going through it. The stages of
grief are not linear. There will be ups and downs, peaks
and valleys and the inevitable bumps in the road. Shock,
denial, anger, regression, guilt, bargaining and finally
acceptance are the myriad of emotions that are part of
the healing process called grief.
For some children keeping a
journal is a wonderful way to facilitate the grieving
process. Encourage them to draw about their feelings. I
call this type of drawing, “heart art.” Young children
think symbolically rather than with the use of written
words. Pictures reveal a child’s thinking. Drawing
actually helps children find their words Journal
exercises provide opportunities for gentle discussions
and can offer insights into a child’s fears and
misconceptions. Keeping a journal allows children to
creatively express themselves. Use their drawings as a
springboard for caring conversations. For older children
and teens, writing in a journal gives them permission to
record their feelings and emotions. It allows them to
feel close to their loved one and remember happier
times. It also provides an opportunity to say good-bye.
This is a very important step towards acceptance in the
grieving process.
As an adult, you may want to
work in your own journal. Keeping a journal will provide
you with an opportunity to record your own feelings,
thoughts and memories of your loved one. This simple
technique is one of the most empowering and healing acts
you can do for yourself. In your journal write about
your anger, guilt, confusion, resentment, your sadness,
your loss, your fear, your feelings about your family
and your loved one. Keeping a journal creates tremendous
modeling resource for your child. Modeling desired
behavior is a powerful teaching tool, creating a journal
also creates a connection to your loved one. The
journaling process, like grief, is not linear. The going
back and revisiting is an important step in being able
to accept and go forward with your life. Keeping a
journal provides you and your child with a cherished
piece of memorabilia that you may want to revisit
periodically.
Remember children are
experiencing life just as you are. They are not in a
“getting ready” phase. They are living it just as you
are. Because disease and death are a part of those real
life experiences they will inevitably touch your
children and your family in some way. Coping with the
loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult
challenges adults and children will ever face. To
understand the grieving process and to be guided through
the stages of grief by the loving gentle hands of a
caring, compassionate adult empowers our children. We
are teaching our children important coping skills that
will serve them well the rest of their lives. Keeping a
journal is a simple but powerful tool for those who
facing issues of the heart.
A caregiver of her parents
for nearly a decade and parent of four. Ms. Zotovich has
drawn on her experience as a veteran caregiver, her
counseling background and her literacy expertise to
create Journalkeepers.com and Good Grief For Kids and My
Memory Maker, journals that encourage children to
express their feelings.
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