There are many family situations today where you can find three, four or
even five generations living under one roof. While the circumstances
that result in multi-generational living vary from financial to
health-related to simple family closeness, those who live in these types
of households deal with many issues. Serving as the main caregiver for
an older relative, dealing with grandchildren and having one of their
own children living back at home after several years on his/her own can
be a challenge for the best of families.
In dealing with your older relative, the most critical aspect is not
just tending to their physical needs, but providing them with the
emotional support they require as well. Often, it is coping with these
emotional needs that is most time consuming and stressful. Family
members often ask “How do I talk to my relative about. . . “(You fill in
the blank.) The answer is “Not easily.” Remember, your job is to help
your older relative make informed, reasonable decisions for themselves,
not to make the decision for them. It is also important to realize that
they may be frightened about their overall condition, and that this
frightened state is relayed through anger toward YOU, the main
caregiver. It is crucial to keep the lines of communication open between
the generations so that both of you can express your fears and concerns
as honestly as possible. You may also wish to gain as much knowledge as
possible regarding the older person’s condition so that you know what to
expect of them now and in the future. In that way, you can let them
maintain their sense of independence and well-being and provide the
needed care when it becomes necessary.
Children, even at an early age, can be asked to take on family
responsibilities. They can be very helpful and resourceful. They can
perform everyday chores like cleaning and help in preparation of meals
and laundry. They can also help Grandma or Grandpa by sitting with them,
reading together or watching TV, among other things. By involving
children, you are giving them an honest look into the daily care giving
process and you open the door to start a dialogue about aging issues in
general. The relationship between an older relative and a child is
invaluable in that the older person provides educational and historical
information that is passed on to another generation and the child can
give new and fresh insight on things for the older person.
When an older relative begins to fail, either mentally or physically, it
can be very confusing and sometimes frightening for a child. There are
many resources geared specifically for children that explain the aging
process. Children are seen as extremely therapeutic assets as families
deal with the daily issues associated with the care of a relative.
Older relatives can also be an invaluable resource to their
grandchildren. They can serve as educators, story tellers and, in many
instances, serve as the primary providers of care to their
grandchildren. Many older people end up “raising” their
grandchildren due to a variety of circumstances. These older relatives
struggle not only with the daily demands of care needed by their
grandchildren, but also with the concerns and struggles that their own
children (the grandchildren’s parents) face and their own health and
financial issues.
Those who are in the “sandwich generation” often are faced with the
daily demands of care needed by their parents or older relatives AND are
responsible for the raising of their own children. In addition, they may
have to deal with their own health and financial worries. Other
responsibilities faced by this generation include the demands of a work
schedule and their relationship with a spouse or significant other, in
addition to their ongoing relationship with siblings and close friends.
Regardless of their age, there are many instances where the main
caregiver in the family refuses to acknowledge that they can’t handle
the load. They are too caught up in the daily grind that they don’t
recognize the warning signals, which can include extreme fatigue, lack
of rest, irritability, and frustration over lack of free time. Letting
others know your feelings and that you need help is crucial to the
caregiver’s mental and physical well-being.
It is also important to negotiate the exact roles of each family member
in terms of providing care. Some may feel more comfortable with hands-on
duties – others may want to only focus on household chores or helping
with transportation or financial and legal issues.
There are many instances where the care receiver is very stubborn and
resistant to any help, even from family members. In these cases you need
to be FIRM in expressing the reality of the situation and that the
person needs assistance. It is particularly important for those living
in multi-generational households who often are providing 24 hours a
day/7 days a week care to have an occasional respite break.
With family members living longer, many individuals are faced with the
prospect of being a caregiver for a significant number of years. More
and more families are opting to live in a mutli-generational household
for a variety of reasons, including providing care for a loved one. It
is important for the family to recognize that, in many cases, they will
not be able to tend to all the needs of their relative, and that they
will have to rely on others for occasional support. The support is
available – just ask.
Helen Hunter, ACSW, CMSW, is an independent geriatric social worker
consultant and trainer. She is also a writer and has had numerous
articles published focusing on elder care and family care issues.
Licensed in Connecticut, New York and Florida, she currently resides in
Fort Myers.
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