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It was sometime late
in 2003 that I realized something had to be done with
Mom. She had reached the end of her ability to manage
her affairs independently, and the reports I got from
family and friends in Illinois began to fill me with
alarm. And as I lived far away in Florida and knew that
Mom had no desire at all to move from the Chicago area
where she had lived all her life, I knew I had to manage
to somehow find her a suitable situation long-distance.
Assisted Living was
a relatively new concept to me. I learned it was a
system by which seniors entered a sort of group home
facility, while still retaining a modicum of
independence. Generally, the residents have their own
apartment or separate bedroom. Often daily meals,
laundry services, housekeeping and transportation are
provided. It sounded like a perfect solution for my
independent, social-butterfly, 87-year-old mother who
was becoming too frail to live on her own.
Some families in
America still manage to take their elders into their own
homes, but changing job locations, long work hours, and
other family responsibilities may make this impossible.
Even getting seniors to places where they can socialize
with others of their own generation and experiences can
be a logistical nightmare. Assisted Living seems to fill
these gaps nicely. There are always social activities,
outings, guest speakers, card games, bingo, and
religious services. Doctors come to the facility to
treat medical needs, and caregiving assistants monitor
the residents for changes in diet, behavior, and
activity level. Yet there is always the ability for the
resident to retreat to his or her own ‘separate space’
to regroup should the need arise.
Thank heavens for
the internet! I was able to search web sites for
eldercare facilities and all kinds of advice. This in
itself is an education that took some time, because the
costs and accommodations vary so widely and the legal
issues can get complicated. By process of elimination, I
began to see what was do-able. It also led to that
‘serious talk’ with my mother about financial resources
and planning. Of course, I was a bit fearful to broach
these subjects. Mom has always run her own affairs, and
intruding into these personal details intimidated me,
but these are the realities of modern life, and we both
wanted what was best for her. If you, like me, are
dealing with someone from the ‘Greatest Generation’ age
bracket, rest assured they are not ignorant of financial
realities. If a parent has reached the point where
independent living has already made their circumstances
muddy and confused, they will appreciate the help, as
long as you include them in the process.
At this point, I was
ready to look into specific state resources for elders.
Often, if assets will not cover the monthly assisted
living fees, one can ‘pay down’ assets and then go onto
state aid. If a parent’s needs fall into this category,
you will have to look for ‘subsidized care.’ This varies
greatly from state to state, so I looked into Illinois’
Department on Aging and Health and Human Services
Division. I was sent an enormous amount of material to
sift through on programs for elders, which ranged from
in-home care to full nursing home facilities. Over time,
I was able to whittle it all down to what would work for
Mom. I was fortunate in finding an assisted living
facility affiliated with her particular religion, which
allowed for daily services and special services for Holy
Days. Many religions have endeavors in this area of
elder care, and I would encourage anyone to look there
first before going into state-run facilities.
Now came the
interesting part-visiting the facilities. I approached
this with some trepidation, but Mom was more than ready
to give the idea a chance. I was lucky in that the
timing had worked out perfectly. Even so, it is
important to receive the specific information on each
facility and have all questions answered beforehand, if
possible. Other questions will arise when you visit and
the director of the facility always seems happy to
answer any questions asked, and will find out for you
whatever he or she can’t answer immediately. But here
are the things I was ‘testing’ the place for when we
visited: Did the entire facility have a cheerful ‘underbeat’?
Did the residents look happy and engaged? Was the place
scrupulously clean? Was the staff approachable and
interested in residents? Was there a sense of fun and
enjoyment there? Was it run professionally? When all
these questions were answered ‘yes’, and when I saw Mom
chatting effortlessly with the staff, I knew I had found
the right place for her. I confess, I was intimidated by
all the paperwork, but the office staff was very
experienced in these matters and was able to offer a
great deal of help.
Preparing for the
move itself required the most from both Mom and myself.
Dismantling a household can be a sad experience, with
regret about what is being left behind or thrown away.
It can even be a time of relief with shedding the
burdens of the past and anticipating new experiences. We
took some time to share stories and memories. And we
packed Mom’s favorite books and pictures, music and
pieces of furniture all those things that make people
feel more at home in new surroundings. The day of the
move brought sudden panic on both our parts. But we were
able to talk through our fears. Knowing I would be far
away made it especially difficult. I wanted to be sure I
had chosen the right place, and that I would be
available to send my Mom anything she might need. But we
were able to remain positive and tried to make the
moving-in experience fun and reassuring. We toured the
facility once again, hand in hand, to make sure Mom knew
where everything could be found. We drew a little map of
the place and put it under a magnet on the refrigerator
door. We met a few residents and found some common
interests and background. We cried a little, laughed a
little and made sure we could stay in close touch and
that the staff would know how to reach me.
Six months later,
Mom has adjusted nicely to her new surroundings. We talk
on the phone once a week. I fly to Chicago for the big
holidays. Clearly, things are different for my mother.
She no longer has the burden of household bills or
transporting her frail body from here to there on daily
errands. She has much more help with these things and
medical care is just a buzzer call away. Visits with
family are filled with more gifts and flowers and more
time ‘catching up’ on events. It’s not the same as it
was, but if you asked her, you might find things are
exactly as they should be.
J. Lang Wood's stories, essays, and
articles have appeared in California Business Online,
Island Sun News, Songs of Innocence, and Perigee Arts
Magazine. She
combines her love of writing with the demands of running
a business. A former Chicagoan, she lives with her
husband on Florida's Gulf coast.
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