By
Frank Benoit
Living with a person who has dementia
Is like dealing with someone in absentia.
She is not the girl you used to know;
Not the same personality - oh no!
You remember traits that attracted you to
her,
And wonder how they disappeared for sure;
The smile – the brightness – that were her
trademark
What happened to dispel that spark?
What caused the memory of years to be erased
Where her mind once had them placed?
Your life together is suddenly askew,
And changes abound in what you do.
The days you shared in plans and active
living
Soon evolve into constant care-giving.
Empathy for your wife is surely felt,
But you have to play the hand you are dealt!
It seems implausible that people she once
knew
To her now seem like people “out of the
blue!”
There are pieces of the past that she
remembers;
Strange how she will or won’t know family
members.
There seems to be a wall-blocking
comprehension,
Try as hard as you might to get her
attention!
Health, nutrition, scrapbooks used to occupy
her hours,
As well as pleasure with music, books, and
flowers.
The agenda she once had is now long done
As the hours of inactivity go on and on.
If there is no agenda, then there is no way
She can project any interest for the next
day.
Moods are unpredictable – ever a surprise
As for the reason, you can only fantasize.
Contrary, cantankerous, combative are words
that portray
The moods we experience in a given day.
But then there are times when things are
normal
And behavior is acceptable and formal.
Oddly, it seems that in some strange way
Her mind is still working on projects of
another day.
Disconnected bits come out in conversation
Defying our best attempts at clarification.
Language can run the gamut from wise to
profane
To match some actions that are truly inane.
Things in our home have their allotted
spaces;
You soon learn they’ve been moved to other
places!
About papers – she’ll roll them, fold them,
bind them;
If they are really important, try to find
them!
How often we’ve heard “I know what I am
doing”
When it is an impossible idea she is
pursuing.
She is still strong-willed – solid as
Gibraltar;
She’ll stick to her guns; she will not
falter!
All of which tells you we don’t know what to
expect next –
We know, however, that we may be perplexed.
I’ve not done this realistic picture of Jane
out of self pity,
Nor would I mean to disparage her with this
ditty.
One obvious result is an unrelenting test
For the care-givers to do their best!
The challenge is: with patience and
dedication
To show compassion in the midst of
frustration.
In the surrealistic world of caregiving,
There are illogical aspects of everyday
living.
Each day is different – and yet each day is
the same.
We try to do our duty without rancor or
blame.
Psychiatrists can describe dementia to the
letter
Believe me, “living it” describes it better.
I’ve told you in detail how Jane’s illness
affects me
Let me now say where the emphasis should be
The cruel blow suffered by Jane, who knows
something is wrong
As she languishes through days that are
puzzling and long:
The heartbreak embodied in her plaintive
pleas
As she questions, “What ever happened to me?”
The question “Where are the kids?” she asks
now and then;
Having to be told again that they are now
men;
The irony in her insistence on “wanting to go
home”
While she is reminded that she designed our
Dome-home!
We ponder the mystery of why this illness
should occur
To someone as good and loving and generous as
her;
To someone who was ready at all times in her
life
To aid others who needed help in times of
strife.
And, of course, “Why?” is the question we all
ask;
To answer that is an unexplainable task.
I suppose we’ll have heavenly erudition
To begin to explain this human condition.
So – until we all reach those dominions
sublime
We’ll keep on praying and live one day at a
time!
Written by Frank
Benoit, Yakima Washington, 2005 His wife, Jane, has
since passed away.
Further reproduction is by written permission
only. If you have a poem you would like us
to consider for publication, send it to
nancy@caregiver.com
